Hi Reader,

Earlier this week, one of our friends sent us a study that felt so relevant to our work. This research by renowned academic and author, Neil Rackham, conducted research on what separates great negotiators from average ones, and it confirmed something we’ve been coaching our clients on for years: certain words or phrases can quietly sabotage your negotiation.

The study showed that skilled negotiators use only one fifth as many “irritator words” as average negotiators. These are words like fair, reasonable, and generous when describing your own offer.

Why does this matter? Because these words don’t necessarily land the way you think. They can trigger defensiveness and can limit your counterpart’s willingness to collaborate.

The danger of “irritator words”

If a recruiter tells you, “This is a very generous offer,” the subtext is that you’d be ungrateful to ask for more. If they say, “Our offer is fair,” it suggests that pushing back makes you unfair.

But whether a recruiter uses these words or not isn’t the point. What matters is your own approach. No matter how skilled or not at negotiating the other side may be, you should avoid using these words yourself.

Because if you do say that the offer was fair, reasonable, or generous, you give the other side an easy way to shut you down:

• “You said the offer was generous, so why are you asking for more?”
• “You agreed it was reasonable, so there’s nothing left to discuss.”

That’s why the best negotiators avoid them almost entirely. Instead of trying to prove fairness or generosity, they focus on keeping the dialogue open, collaborative, and free from phrases that can spark defensiveness, all of which allows for flexibility and more room to find a deal that works for all parties.

As Rackham put it in his study: “Flexibility enhances negotiators’ ability to maneuver under uncertainty when one does not know what is going to happen next. [...] Skilled negotiators focused more on areas of agreement, given that uncertainty can lead to more misunderstanding and conflict, [...] and avoided creating disagreement.”

Other phrases to cut from your vocabulary

Over the years, we’ve seen certain phrases repeatedly weaken a job seeker’s positions. A few examples:

• “That doesn’t work for me.” Even if true, it signals that you may not be workable.
• “I’m not comfortable sharing that.” This breaks rapport and makes the other side feel they crossed a line. Better to tactfully deflect while staying warm and collaborative.
• “Can you put that in writing?” Of course you want everything in writing, but saying it this way can sound like you don’t trust them.
• “I expect to be paid X.” This one combines entitlement with anchoring yourself to a single number (remember, don’t proactively share your number or range!). Much better to keep it flexible and leverage other offers or opportunities.

Why this matters

Negotiations are rarely lost because of one big mistake. They’re more often chipped away by subtle word choices that erode goodwill. Once rapport breaks, the other side is less likely to go the extra mile, whether that’s throwing in more equity, improving PTO, giving you that start date you want, or another priority of yours.

We believe great negotiations are collaborative and creative. The goal isn’t just to squeeze out all the value at the expense of the other side. It’s to maximize value on both sides, strengthen the relationship, and do your best to ensure no value is wasted for anyone.

Our conclusion

Avoiding “irritator words” and phrases like these might feel like a small adjustment, but they can have a meaningful impact. Great negotiators know that subtle shifts in language often influence whether a deal feels smooth and collaborative, or tense and adversarial, and ultimately that affects the outcome.

Listen to our full discussion in this week’s episode: YouTube | Spotify | Apple Podcasts​

Warmly,

Gerta & Alex
​Co-founders, YourNegotiations.com

P.S. Are you job searching or have upcoming negotiations?

Book a free call with us, where we’ll learn more about your situation, offer some free tips, and explore if we’re a good fit to work together: https://calendly.com/alexhapki/call​

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