Hi Reader,
Paula Schwarz has a complicated relationship with the word "negotiation." She grew up immersed in a German pharmaceutical family empire, one of the largest in Europe. She was expected to look good, stay quiet, and not ask too many questions. She did the opposite of all three and ultimately left it all behind.
Before we even got to tactics on this episode, we went deep into identity, leverage, and not knowing what you want until you've been pushed hard enough to find out.
Paula joined us on the Gentle Power Podcast to talk about her work in refugee camps on Samos, the Angel House co-living network she runs across Greece and now San Francisco, and her upcoming meeting with the French President Macron.
Listen to the full episode here (YouTube | Spotify | Apple), and as always, some top takeaways below.
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1. You can't negotiate well if you don't know what you want
It sounds obvious, but most people skip this step entirely.
Paula asked us what she should focus on in her upcoming meeting with French President Macron. We asked her to rank her priorities. She paused, thought about it, and once we walked through her priorities live, the order of them was very different from where she'd started.
This happens with job seekers all the time. They usually come in saying they want more money. But when we dig into their priorities, they almost always discover something new: turns out they’re not willing to accept an offer with more pay if it means a step down in title. Or they want flexibility, because they're a parent and two extra hours at home matter more than an extra $40K a year.
The priorities question is what shapes the whole negotiation strategy.
2. Sell the vision first. The ask is the next step.
Paula's meeting with President Macron is a good case study in sequencing.
She had big ideas: an AI incubator, easier visa pathways, sponsorships for people who can't afford what Angel House offers.
Our advice to her: don't lead with the full ask.
This is something we advise clients in early deal conversations too. You shouldn’t try to sell the final outcome in the first meeting. Rather, your goal for the first meeting should be to sell the next step in the process. In our impromptu strategy session with Paula on the episode, we recommended that in the first meeting with Macron, she should paint the dream, make it vivid, make it real for him. Then the ask is simply: who on your team should I connect with to explore this?
She wouldn’t be making the full ask in the first interaction, but gaining a small win by connecting with someone from his team to take a few steps closer to her overall goal.
3. Knowing the other side's interests is half the job
Paula asked whether she should use vulnerability to get what she wanted from Macron. We instead pivoted her toward a different tact: what's in it for him?
A French president dealing with regional instability wants things too. A compelling story about AI that helps refugees move through bureaucratic systems faster, built by someone who's already doing it at scale across 14 co-living homes from Greece to San Francisco. That has all the right ingredients.
When you lead with what's in it for the other person, the conversation changes. You go from asking for something to offering something.
4. Women negotiate better when they're doing it for someone else
Many studies show that women negotiate better when it’s done on behalf of a friend, a teammate, a family member, but it’s much harder for them to do for themselves.
Paula said she felt something similar for a long time. The moment things shifted was when she stopped thinking about what she was "allowed" to want and started thinking about what the people around her (primarily her three kids!) needed from her being well-resourced.
When we coach clients through this, we sometimes try reframing entirely. Think about your kids, your parents, the people who will benefit from you earning more. That reframe alone has helped people push for amounts they couldn't justify in their own name.
5. Expand the pie, don’t split it.
Paula touched on European versus American negotiating culture: in Europe, she finds, the dominant instinct is toward collective fit, not individual ask. The word "negotiation" carries a connotation of selfishness.
We believe, however, that the best deals, and the most farsighted ones, are the ones where both sides leave better off. If you get a $25K raise, your company doesn't necessarily lose $25K. Maybe they’re saving $100K by not spending resources trying to fill your seat if you leave.
The split-the-pie model makes every negotiation feel adversarial. The expand-the-pie model gives you room to be creative and to trade on variables the other side values differently than you do.
Paula's full story, including Maha Car, Maya Code, the Angel House, and how she's reviving an Uber-for-refugees platform, is all in the episode. It's worth the full listen: YouTube | Spotify | Apple
Learn more about Paula and her work:
Best,
Gerta & Alex
Founders, YourNegotiations.com
P.S. Are you job searching or have upcoming negotiations?
Book a free call with us, where we’ll learn more about your situation, offer some free tips, and explore if we’re a good fit to work together: https://calendly.com/alexhapki/call
P.P.S. Know someone interested in negotiations?
Send them our way and we’ll thank you with $250 for each person who becomes a client. No cap.
A quick intro or an email to alex@yournegotiations.com works.