We’ve both worked with therapists who practice IFS (Internal Family Systems), and it’s been life-changing. This school of thought starts from a simple concept: we’re made up of many parts, each trying to help in its own way, and even habits (like smoking) or fears (like public speaking) we don’t like are often doing their best to protect us. When you meet those parts with curiosity and kindness instead of frustration, you create room for change.

This same concept translates surprisingly well to negotiations. In our latest episode of the Gentle Power podcast (YouTube | Spotify | Apple), we explored what happens when you bring that same approach into high-stakes conversations: how curiosity can lead you through tense situations, how self-advocacy gets easier when you frame it around who you’re really protecting, and how kindness can show strength.

Here are a few key points that stood out:

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Curiosity can disarm tension

When a recruiter or manager comes across as curt or aggressive, the natural instinct is to appease, concede, or match that tone. But curiosity can shift everything.

Instead of assuming that they’re trying to pressure you, wonder what might be happening on their end (an internal deadline, pressure from leadership, or maybe just a long day). Responding from that place keeps the conversation professional and open, and may reveal more information that you can use to your advantage later.

Curiosity also helps you notice your own reactions in real time. When you pause to ask what part of you feels triggered and why you naturally react a certain way, you create a small pocket of space before responding. That awareness alone can have the conversation stay collaborative instead of combative, and can turn what feels like conflict into a useful signal.

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Advocate for your younger self

Many people hesitate to negotiate because it feels uncomfortable or self-serving. But IFS teaches us that this discomfort often comes from old patterns, parts of us that learned not to ask for too much, to give more than is necessary, to accommodate to maintain harmony for others. Having awareness of these patterns helps separate the current “you” from those feelings of hesitation.

One of our favorite reframes from IFS is to negotiate on behalf of your younger self. The version of you who worked hard to get here deserves to be represented well. You can even think about who else benefits (e.g. your children, your aging parent, someone you care for). That subtle shift often softens the fear around asking for more and brings forward a steadier, more confident voice to the discussion.

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Kindness can be a power move

In IFS, many parts of ourselves have a positive intention, even if its expression is messy. The same is often true in negotiations. A pushy recruiter may just be following internal company processes. A curt email may just be reflecting stress that has nothing to do with you. Staying warm under pressure helps preserve leverage while keeping trust intact.

Staying kind means choosing tone and language that de-escalates without weakening your stance. When you respond calmly and with generosity, it signals composure, and often earns respect long after the deal is done, not to mention it increases your chances of getting a better offer.

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When you apply this framework to negotiations, it feels less like a fight and more like a joint effort to find mutual alignment. The result is often the same as in therapy: less resistance, more clarity, and better outcomes for everyone involved.

Listen to the full episode here: YouTube | Spotify | Apple​

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Best,

Gerta & Alex
​Co-founders, YourNegotiations.com

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P.S. Are you job searching or have upcoming negotiations?

Book a free call with us, where we’ll learn more about your situation, offer some free tips, and explore if we’re a good fit to work together: https://calendly.com/alexhapki/call​

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